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Make Amends for Yesterday
R
Supernatural gen fic (spoilers through season 1)
There's no surviving without Dean. He and Sammy would be lost without him, though neither will admit it.
This is for
kashmir1. Basically, I could spend hours listening to her theories and ramblings and thoughts on the Winchester family. :D
There are moments when he looks at Dean and all he can see is her.
That's Mary's smirk, her charismatic smile, gracing Dean's face and, by God, does he use that charm to get what he wants.
*****
It's not fair.
Not fair to punish the boys, but for the first few weeks after the fire he could barely look at them without sobbing.
Sam grew up, grew to resent him in return, and John spent too much time wondering if that was his fault.
*****
Dean liked to chew on pen caps, the erasers on the tops of pencils, and it drove him crazy.
He caught him one morning, doing research, local newspapers spread out all over the table and one of those goddamn pen caps in his mouth.
John yelled at him. Told him it was disgusting instead of telling him that his mother had done the exact same thing to every pen and pencil she touched.
*****
Sam left.
Too many unanswered questions. Not enough stability. A longing to have a normal life.
He asks Dean why is it that he hasn't tried to leave yet.
"Why?" Dean contemplates his answer with a shrug. "I don't know anything else but this."
John paces the kitchen aimlessly, coffee cup forgotten in his hand. "Yeah, but is it enough?" He mumbles, mostly to himself.
Dean reassembles the gun he's been cleaning with sharp, precise movements. "Wouldn't want to know anything else."
John can sense that there's more that Dean wants to say, simply from the tone of his voice. He stares down at his son for a moment, losing himself in the charged silence between them.
When he finally takes a sip, his coffee is ice cold.
*****
They are in Starkville, Mississippi.
It's Dean's first hunting trip and he's cocky and loud and laughing in the face of danger. He's also barely a month past his 13th birthday.
It should have gone smoothly. It should have been easy for them to get in, take care of the demon, and get out.
Things never went smoothly. John should've remembered that.
Dean gets thrown into a wall. It's nearly a full thirty seconds before he can suck some air back into his lungs and John finds his own breath returning in a rush the moment Dean starts gasping.
There's no surviving without Dean.
He and Sammy would be lost without him, though neither will admit it.
*****
He's hard on his boys, but it's something he won't apologize for. Especially since he's seen the men they've become, the way they take care of themselves and each other.
His shoulder aches and his leg's throbbing, in fact the whole right side of his body feels like, well, what he supposes it should feel like after getting slammed into by a semi.
Sam's gone to get some aspirin. He's having visions of people that they can't help because they're stuck in this cold hospital room waiting to be mended.
John leans forward in his chair, his hand frantically fumbling for Dean's amongst the blankets.
"I didn't think I needed her." He begins in a shaky whisper, wanting Dean to hear but desperately hoping he'll stay asleep. "Didn't think I had to see her, hold her, touch her just to feel like a whole person. But, my God, when I was away from her there was nothing like the emptiness that I felt." He squeezes Dean's hand, fingers slip-sliding to his wrist to feel the faint thrum of his pulse.
"You're so much like her, Dean. And I wish I could-" His voice breaks and he's suddenly angry at himself for not being able to get through this simple explanation.
*****
He looks at Dean and sees Mary.
And sometimes, he's grateful.
R
Supernatural gen fic (spoilers through season 1)
There's no surviving without Dean. He and Sammy would be lost without him, though neither will admit it.
This is for
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
There are moments when he looks at Dean and all he can see is her.
That's Mary's smirk, her charismatic smile, gracing Dean's face and, by God, does he use that charm to get what he wants.
*****
It's not fair.
Not fair to punish the boys, but for the first few weeks after the fire he could barely look at them without sobbing.
Sam grew up, grew to resent him in return, and John spent too much time wondering if that was his fault.
*****
Dean liked to chew on pen caps, the erasers on the tops of pencils, and it drove him crazy.
He caught him one morning, doing research, local newspapers spread out all over the table and one of those goddamn pen caps in his mouth.
John yelled at him. Told him it was disgusting instead of telling him that his mother had done the exact same thing to every pen and pencil she touched.
*****
Sam left.
Too many unanswered questions. Not enough stability. A longing to have a normal life.
He asks Dean why is it that he hasn't tried to leave yet.
"Why?" Dean contemplates his answer with a shrug. "I don't know anything else but this."
John paces the kitchen aimlessly, coffee cup forgotten in his hand. "Yeah, but is it enough?" He mumbles, mostly to himself.
Dean reassembles the gun he's been cleaning with sharp, precise movements. "Wouldn't want to know anything else."
John can sense that there's more that Dean wants to say, simply from the tone of his voice. He stares down at his son for a moment, losing himself in the charged silence between them.
When he finally takes a sip, his coffee is ice cold.
*****
They are in Starkville, Mississippi.
It's Dean's first hunting trip and he's cocky and loud and laughing in the face of danger. He's also barely a month past his 13th birthday.
It should have gone smoothly. It should have been easy for them to get in, take care of the demon, and get out.
Things never went smoothly. John should've remembered that.
Dean gets thrown into a wall. It's nearly a full thirty seconds before he can suck some air back into his lungs and John finds his own breath returning in a rush the moment Dean starts gasping.
There's no surviving without Dean.
He and Sammy would be lost without him, though neither will admit it.
*****
He's hard on his boys, but it's something he won't apologize for. Especially since he's seen the men they've become, the way they take care of themselves and each other.
His shoulder aches and his leg's throbbing, in fact the whole right side of his body feels like, well, what he supposes it should feel like after getting slammed into by a semi.
Sam's gone to get some aspirin. He's having visions of people that they can't help because they're stuck in this cold hospital room waiting to be mended.
John leans forward in his chair, his hand frantically fumbling for Dean's amongst the blankets.
"I didn't think I needed her." He begins in a shaky whisper, wanting Dean to hear but desperately hoping he'll stay asleep. "Didn't think I had to see her, hold her, touch her just to feel like a whole person. But, my God, when I was away from her there was nothing like the emptiness that I felt." He squeezes Dean's hand, fingers slip-sliding to his wrist to feel the faint thrum of his pulse.
"You're so much like her, Dean. And I wish I could-" His voice breaks and he's suddenly angry at himself for not being able to get through this simple explanation.
*****
He looks at Dean and sees Mary.
And sometimes, he's grateful.