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teffyMake Amends for Yesterday
R
Supernatural gen fic (spoilers through season 1)
There's no surviving without Dean. He and Sammy would be lost without him, though neither will admit it.
This is for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kashmir1. Basically, I could spend hours listening to her theories and ramblings and thoughts on the Winchester family. :D
There are moments when he looks at Dean and all he can see is her.
That's Mary's smirk, her charismatic smile, gracing Dean's face and, by God, does he use that charm to get what he wants.
*****
It's not fair.
Not fair to punish the boys, but for the first few weeks after the fire he could barely look at them without sobbing.
Sam grew up, grew to resent him in return, and John spent too much time wondering if that was his fault.
*****
Dean liked to chew on pen caps, the erasers on the tops of pencils, and it drove him crazy.
He caught him one morning, doing research, local newspapers spread out all over the table and one of those goddamn pen caps in his mouth.
John yelled at him. Told him it was disgusting instead of telling him that his mother had done the exact same thing to every pen and pencil she touched.
*****
Sam left.
Too many unanswered questions. Not enough stability. A longing to have a normal life.
He asks Dean why is it that he hasn't tried to leave yet.
"Why?" Dean contemplates his answer with a shrug. "I don't know anything else but this."
John paces the kitchen aimlessly, coffee cup forgotten in his hand. "Yeah, but is it enough?" He mumbles, mostly to himself.
Dean reassembles the gun he's been cleaning with sharp, precise movements. "Wouldn't want to know anything else."
John can sense that there's more that Dean wants to say, simply from the tone of his voice. He stares down at his son for a moment, losing himself in the charged silence between them.
When he finally takes a sip, his coffee is ice cold.
*****
They are in Starkville, Mississippi.
It's Dean's first hunting trip and he's cocky and loud and laughing in the face of danger. He's also barely a month past his 13th birthday.
It should have gone smoothly. It should have been easy for them to get in, take care of the demon, and get out.
Things never went smoothly. John should've remembered that.
Dean gets thrown into a wall. It's nearly a full thirty seconds before he can suck some air back into his lungs and John finds his own breath returning in a rush the moment Dean starts gasping.
There's no surviving without Dean.
He and Sammy would be lost without him, though neither will admit it.
*****
He's hard on his boys, but it's something he won't apologize for. Especially since he's seen the men they've become, the way they take care of themselves and each other.
His shoulder aches and his leg's throbbing, in fact the whole right side of his body feels like, well, what he supposes it should feel like after getting slammed into by a semi.
Sam's gone to get some aspirin. He's having visions of people that they can't help because they're stuck in this cold hospital room waiting to be mended.
John leans forward in his chair, his hand frantically fumbling for Dean's amongst the blankets.
"I didn't think I needed her." He begins in a shaky whisper, wanting Dean to hear but desperately hoping he'll stay asleep. "Didn't think I had to see her, hold her, touch her just to feel like a whole person. But, my God, when I was away from her there was nothing like the emptiness that I felt." He squeezes Dean's hand, fingers slip-sliding to his wrist to feel the faint thrum of his pulse.
"You're so much like her, Dean. And I wish I could-" His voice breaks and he's suddenly angry at himself for not being able to get through this simple explanation.
*****
He looks at Dean and sees Mary.
And sometimes, he's grateful.
R
Supernatural gen fic (spoilers through season 1)
There's no surviving without Dean. He and Sammy would be lost without him, though neither will admit it.
This is for
kashmir1. Basically, I could spend hours listening to her theories and ramblings and thoughts on the Winchester family. :DThere are moments when he looks at Dean and all he can see is her.
That's Mary's smirk, her charismatic smile, gracing Dean's face and, by God, does he use that charm to get what he wants.
*****
It's not fair.
Not fair to punish the boys, but for the first few weeks after the fire he could barely look at them without sobbing.
Sam grew up, grew to resent him in return, and John spent too much time wondering if that was his fault.
*****
Dean liked to chew on pen caps, the erasers on the tops of pencils, and it drove him crazy.
He caught him one morning, doing research, local newspapers spread out all over the table and one of those goddamn pen caps in his mouth.
John yelled at him. Told him it was disgusting instead of telling him that his mother had done the exact same thing to every pen and pencil she touched.
*****
Sam left.
Too many unanswered questions. Not enough stability. A longing to have a normal life.
He asks Dean why is it that he hasn't tried to leave yet.
"Why?" Dean contemplates his answer with a shrug. "I don't know anything else but this."
John paces the kitchen aimlessly, coffee cup forgotten in his hand. "Yeah, but is it enough?" He mumbles, mostly to himself.
Dean reassembles the gun he's been cleaning with sharp, precise movements. "Wouldn't want to know anything else."
John can sense that there's more that Dean wants to say, simply from the tone of his voice. He stares down at his son for a moment, losing himself in the charged silence between them.
When he finally takes a sip, his coffee is ice cold.
*****
They are in Starkville, Mississippi.
It's Dean's first hunting trip and he's cocky and loud and laughing in the face of danger. He's also barely a month past his 13th birthday.
It should have gone smoothly. It should have been easy for them to get in, take care of the demon, and get out.
Things never went smoothly. John should've remembered that.
Dean gets thrown into a wall. It's nearly a full thirty seconds before he can suck some air back into his lungs and John finds his own breath returning in a rush the moment Dean starts gasping.
There's no surviving without Dean.
He and Sammy would be lost without him, though neither will admit it.
*****
He's hard on his boys, but it's something he won't apologize for. Especially since he's seen the men they've become, the way they take care of themselves and each other.
His shoulder aches and his leg's throbbing, in fact the whole right side of his body feels like, well, what he supposes it should feel like after getting slammed into by a semi.
Sam's gone to get some aspirin. He's having visions of people that they can't help because they're stuck in this cold hospital room waiting to be mended.
John leans forward in his chair, his hand frantically fumbling for Dean's amongst the blankets.
"I didn't think I needed her." He begins in a shaky whisper, wanting Dean to hear but desperately hoping he'll stay asleep. "Didn't think I had to see her, hold her, touch her just to feel like a whole person. But, my God, when I was away from her there was nothing like the emptiness that I felt." He squeezes Dean's hand, fingers slip-sliding to his wrist to feel the faint thrum of his pulse.
"You're so much like her, Dean. And I wish I could-" His voice breaks and he's suddenly angry at himself for not being able to get through this simple explanation.
*****
He looks at Dean and sees Mary.
And sometimes, he's grateful.
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no subject
Date: 2006-09-03 12:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-03 01:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-03 01:27 am (UTC)*flails*
The part with John in the hospital? And then... the last two lines? OH GOD. Brought TEARS to my eyes.
JUST WHAT I WANTED!
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Date: 2006-09-03 01:32 am (UTC)I brought the angst, like woah. I just love those angsty Winchester boys.
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Date: 2006-09-03 02:21 am (UTC)Couldn't have asked for anything better.
OH THE ANGST!
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Date: 2006-09-03 04:07 am (UTC)Also, I'm working on a Mary fic now.
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Date: 2006-09-03 04:09 am (UTC)OMG IF YOU NEED A BETA, GIVE ME A HOLLER!
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Date: 2006-09-03 04:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-03 04:29 am (UTC)I was watching S2 Smallville today and was overcome with the urge to lick Michael Rosenbaum's head. Is that weird?
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Date: 2006-09-03 05:28 am (UTC)Mostly I find myself wanting to lick that spot that's just under and behind his ear. Not his jaw, almost his neck but not quite, but that certain spot. I may have to provide photographical examples, right?
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Date: 2006-09-03 05:42 am (UTC)And yes, please!
Also, sorry the spam has not been posted. RL... ;_; You know.
It's on the to-do list!
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Date: 2006-09-03 07:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-05 03:20 am (UTC)WHAT IS THAT FROM?
I just watched the S2 SV finale. Am going to start S3 tomorrow. XD
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Date: 2006-09-05 04:46 am (UTC)Isn't the end of Season 2 where Clark is on Red K? And Lex was on the plane?
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Date: 2006-09-05 05:42 am (UTC)YES! POOR LEX. ;_;
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Date: 2006-09-05 05:49 am (UTC)Then, season 4...that's where Jensen shows up. :D
Are you planning on watching SV this year? Is that why you're trying to watch all the seasons?
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Date: 2006-09-10 02:18 am (UTC)asklajsd
AND YES. S4.
It was in the beginning. Now I'm just in love with MR and Lex. LOL
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Date: 2006-09-10 03:15 am (UTC)And Season 4 is kinda weird...but awesome. And when Jensen showed up in the very first episodes I was like "No fair! Why does Lana get to make out with this fine man?!"
Yay for MR and Lex love!! :D
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Date: 2006-09-10 03:33 am (UTC)UGH. He is so so fine. He is my cell phone wallpaper. LOL
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Date: 2006-09-03 03:19 am (UTC)...
*bows at your feet*
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Date: 2006-09-03 04:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-03 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-03 04:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-03 07:26 am (UTC)"You're so much like her, Dean. And I wish I could-" His voice breaks and he's suddenly angry at himself for not being able to get through this simple explanation.
I love this, how he can't even express his feelings, the love he has for his boys. There were a lot of great little lines here and there and the entire story flowed really well.
Yay for Daddy!Winchester.
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Date: 2006-09-03 05:02 pm (UTC)Thank you so much, darling. :)
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Date: 2006-09-03 04:49 pm (UTC)*clutches chest*
Oh, JOHN. Its easy to forget just how hard it had to be for him to raise the boys alone when they remind him of Mary and...GAH, so sad. I love this hon!
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Date: 2006-09-03 05:08 pm (UTC)But yeah, it's just heartbreaking for poor John. :(
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Date: 2006-09-03 08:19 pm (UTC)Beautiful story.
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Date: 2006-09-04 05:02 pm (UTC)Thank you. :)
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Date: 2006-09-03 08:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-04 05:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-03 09:20 pm (UTC)AND
"Wouldn't want to know anything else."
Such good lines to tell us about the characters, what they can't express, what they feel, so deeply. Love Daddy angst. Last lines are killer lines.
Thank you :D
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Date: 2006-09-04 05:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-04 03:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-04 01:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-05 01:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-04 05:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-04 01:26 pm (UTC)Awww, poor John!
He's having visions of people that they can't help because they're stuck in this cold hospital room waiting to be mended.
Ouch! Poor Sammy...
Very nice!
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Date: 2006-09-04 05:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-04 08:25 pm (UTC)Very nice.
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Date: 2006-09-06 06:31 am (UTC)Favorite lines:
He's hard on his boys, but it's something he won't apologize for. Especially since he's seen the men they've become, the way they take care of themselves and each other.
This is an interesting thought, that John can acknowledge, but doesn’t regret, that he was so hard on the boys. That as far as he’s concerned, they’re the men he wants them to be, and so whatever has gone before is acceptable. I do think his love for the boys is clear, no matter how he’s treated them, and that comes through nicely in this piece.
"You're so much like her, Dean. And I wish I could-" His voice breaks and he's suddenly angry at himself for not being able to get through this simple explanation.
I love that, that he can’t finish this train of thought, and that it pisses him off. John’s not overly sentimental, so this dialogue plays out just as I’d expect.
He looks at Dean and sees Mary.
And sometimes, he's grateful.
Aww. *pets John*
Thanks for a good read.